Putumayo Records

HRH's copy of "African Beat" playing in the background.

Sandwich

Overheard: "Eat a sandwich, bitch."

Lube

"Follow me, boys. After party at the Holiday Inn!!!"

Mace

You never know... Just sayin'.

Oyster Card!

Recessionista chic.

Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time"

Hay guyssssss!!!!

Talcum Powder

Those wigs need regular maintenance.

Anti-Wrinkle Cream

Those fine lines are expensive to maintain.

Barf Bags

Samosas

LEFT OVERS!!!!

Change of Underwear

Still refusing to wear Depends, her Majesty occassionally has accidents when she's offsite. Thus, an extra pair of granny panties in her purse are an absolute must. Scat marks or not, we still love you, your Royal Highness.

Moleskine Notebook

A true "hipster" at heart, HRH keeps a lovely Moleskine notebook in her purse to jot down personal notes to incorporate into her memoir documents hidden in the walls of Buckingham Palace.

A Fan. A Fabregé Fan.

It's quite sultry in London today, and to celebrate the summer opening of Buckingham Palace, The Queen decided to put some of her favourite Fabregé items on display for people who could never afford them her people.

One of her most precious possessions is a lovely Fabregé fan she carries in her purse during summertime. This lovely item was originally owned by Queen Alex(andra). A fancy personal cooling system!

Autographed News of the World

HRH is ever so pleased with the way things are going for Mr. Murdoch. As a token of peace, Ruppie UPS'd Her Majesty an autographed copy of the last issue of "News of the World." He felt oh so sorry for wiretapping Our Queen's phones....

What a keepsake to place in your purse all day!

Letter to Mr. Cameron

This is quite embarrassing, but HM The Queen today had to ask for more... gasp... money from the bank British People to pay for repairs and maintenance of all the Royal Residences. A personal note begging demanding asking  Mr. Cameron for the increase could be found in her purse today.

Prince Albert of Monaco's Wedding Invitation

You might have noticed that HRH was not present at this past weekend's Royal wedding in Monte Carlo.

It's not like The Queen wasn't invited (she still has the invite in her purse), she just absolutely detests traveling to the French Riviera and having to deal with Eurotrash. She was also fed up with having more than one half Royal/half commoner wedding for the year (read: Will & Kate).

4th of July Hot Dog

Today, the colonies USA celebrates the signing of the Declaration of war Independence. As such, the American ambassador to Great Britain messengered a box of hot dogs to her Majesty as a cheerful reminder of the two nations' strong ties and everlasting peace.

The Queen found this gesture to be quite chav. However, having never before tasted a "hot dog," she inquisitively placed one in her purse to potentially try later this evening if she's feeling up to it.

(America Rules!)

£10.8 Billion Check

Greece's controversial austerity plan was approved by parliament today, which means that the country full of lazy Europeans can finally receive the latest installment of their loan from the EU. Think the IMF is cutting the check? Wrong.

Her Royal Majesty has a personal check in her purse to be delivered to Greece tomorrow morning to be cashed. If you think your credit card interest rates are high, you don't want to know HRH's standard fees for other nations. How do you think she pays for Christmas presents?

(btw- HRH is so happy about the Strauss-Kahn news)

Tupperware

Today, Her Majesty The Queen hosted over 10,000 commoners for the year's first Garden Party at the very-rarely-open-to-the-public Buckingham Palace gardens.

Our beloved Queen loves those adorable assortment of  sandwiches and cakes served every year, so she carries around a nondescript tupperware to stash some on her way back into the Royal Quarters.

To the the British Monarchy staff reading this: my friend Alice and I would love to get an invite to this event next year. You can send the evite to me at WhatDoesTheQueenHaveInHerPurse@gmail.com. Thanks "ever so much."



Gift for Sam Cameron

Last week, HRH and Phil were invited to have lunch at 10 Dowing street for the first time in 9 years. Judging by Samantha Cameron's deplorable outfit (sans hat) at Her Majesty's grandson's wedding earlier this year, she decided to keep a gift card for the Philip Treacy shoppe in her purse for the next time she sees her.

Royal Ascot Blacklist

Today, Her Majesty inaugurated the 2011 Royal Ascot (if you don't know what that is, then you're obviously poor).

In the very traditional manner of Her Royal Highness, QEII requested that her butler keep a blacklist of attendees not wearing appropriate attire as mandated by the Royal code. This list was tightly held in her purse throughout the event and was later used by her to strip titles indiscriminately from chav members of the extended Royal family.

Birthday Poligrip

Today, HRH's beloved hubby turned 90 years old... yes, Prince Philip turned ninety... years... old. A lovely birthday gift, the grandchildren (including the commoner lovely Duchess of Cambridge), attended a mouth-watering meal at The Waterside Inn in Berkshire.

Nonetheless - worry not - for The Queen carried poligrip in her purse throughout the affair to avoid any mishaps with his Royal Dentures.

Train Wrecks

Her Majesty has been fascinated by the rugged American West ever since she was a young Princess gawking over John Wayne films.

When the "maverick" Sarah Palin came along, QEII found herself a new obsession -- train wrecks!

Although a physical trainwreck obviously wouldn't fit into her purse, Scotland Yard secured Her Majesty an advance copy of Sarah Palin's emails from when she was a governor, published today

She's keeping a few of her favourites in her purse for now. Emails about tanning beds in the Governor's mansion? Really?

Doggies

Everybody knows that HRH's favourite doggies are Corgis... But not just regular Corgis, MINI Corgis.

Her majesty got the brilliant idea of carrying around a mini-corgi while watching Paris Hilton on the tele a few years ago. The Beverly Hills Hermes dog carrying purse rage has since caught on at the Royal Palace.

Thanks for the idea, Alice S.!

Beano!

Not like the Royal tooshie would ever need these magical products, but Her Majesty is certainly weary of what she might be eating at her next luncheon with a commoner. Just in case, a handful of Beano meltaways can be found within convenient reach of Our Queen's purse.

Speaking of flatulence (watch from minute :58)...

Mini Sofia

Don't judge -- so what if Her Majesty The Queen likes to take the occasional sip from her purse? A little crisp grape juice here and there never hurt anyone!

The perfect little purse-sized bottle? Francis Ford Coppola's Mini Sofia, duh (QEII HEARTS wines from the colonies... she loves pretending to be chav).

The Windsor Castle Mini Fire Extinguisher

Our beloved Regent is at Windsor Castle today.

After what happened in 1992 (the whole place went flambée after Her Majesty left a candle on in the chapel), QEII carries around a mini-fire extinguisher in her purse whilst on property to ensure no "oopsies" happen again.

See what happens when you pray for Diana's death your son's marriage?!

Friday Night Dance Card

It's Friday night in Londontown and we gon' get crunnkkk.... 

HRH has her dance card all filled out and safe in her purse for this fine evening.

As Philip sleeps on the opposite side of Buckingham Palace, Her Majesty dances the night away with her Royal buddies to splendid Strauss and Tchaikovsky waltzes, all whilst drunk off two bottles of Smirnoff Ice.



1953 Coronation Programme

Fun fact: it was on this very same day in 1953 when Her Majesty officially became QEII following the death of her studdering father King George V.

As a souvenir, The Queen keeps a copy of the official coronation programme in her purse with her. She loves reading it on her way to meet-and-greets with commoners as a reminder of her omnipotence.

God Save the Queen!

Prince Philip's Nuts in a Jar

Prince Philip, The Duke of Edinburgh, has really had it rough over the last couple of decades.

Born to the Greek Royal family, Phil gave up all of his Greek Royal titles, renounced the Greek Orthodox Church and even became a British citizen for Her Majesty's hand in marriage. Even after all that, he's still not gettin' the title of "king." Sorry, buddy. 

That's right, QEII has had a firm grip on her third cousin's (!!) nuts since 1947 and keeps them tightly sealed in a jar, which, of course, she carries around in her purse during official functions. 

"The Queen"

Unable to ever express her personal feelings in either public or private settings (due to Royal Protocol) Her Majesty was relieved when Helen Mirren portrayed her in "The Queen" back in 2006 and unofficially shared her side of the Princess Diana story (those were not crocodile tears).

QEII has deemed the film her unofficial fav and has oftentimes been seen carrying around a DVD copy in her purse.

Battery Operated Mini-Fan

Holy Victoria! Summer is upon us and her Majesty's hot flashes are taking on a life of their own. 

Every single one of QEII's summer purses come prepared with a battery operated hand fan to help alleviate the humid London season... Carry on! 

Princess Beatrice's Hat (in shards)

Her Royal Highness was pleased when earlier this week she of course won the Ebay bid for her press whore of a granddaughter's annoying hat.

Today, QEII received the much-publicized item and requested that her staff immediately pass this Philip Treacy creation through a paper shredder. Her Majesty then promptly stuffed all the fabric shards into one of her purses to finally bury this issue.

RIP, Philip Treacy hat. The gays will miss you.

Koh-I-Noor Diamond

Her Royal Majesty has carried around the Koh-I-Noor diamond around in her purse since she took on the reign. This baseball sized blood diamond is the largest in the world was stolen from South Asian rulers by the British East India Company, who then presented it to gradmum Queen Victoria.

Commoners think this beast of a stone is "on display" at the Tower of London when in fact, QEII has had it in her purse all these years (the one in the case is actually a big Swarovski crystal).

Suckers.

2009 Pre-Loaded iPod from Washington D.C.

Unless you live under a rock (or in Kentucky), you already know the Obamas are visiting Her Majesty at Buckingham Palace this week for the second time during their brief reign presidency.

Unlike the much criticized personalized iPod HRH Michelle presented to The Queen during the first official visit in 2009, this time around The First Lady provided her an elegant, leather-bound book of photographs of QEII's parents' 1939 visit to the colonies U.S.A.

Her Majesty found this to be a load of crap.

She has had that 2009 pre-loaded iPod in her purse for the last two years and has yet to figure out how to change that god-damned catchy broadway tunes playlist on her MacBook Air (if she has to listen to songs from "West Side Story" one more time, she swears she's going to snap).

Right after the official photo opp held earlier this evening, The Queen cornered Michelle in a Royal powder room and warned that her stay in the UK was no longer welcome unless a new, pre-loaded iPod with Common's spoken word was placed in her purse by 6am GMT. She so enjoyed this YouTube video of him at the White House last week.

Believe me, Julianna Smoot  is not sleeping tonight.

12 Pack of HobNobs

Holy Lord! Judgement Day is upon us!

The Queen has been preparing for the apocalypse for the last year stocking up Buckingham Palace's basement with endless boxes of HobNobs (this is what QEII survived on during her days hiding in the Tube Windsor Castle during WWII).

Tomorrow, Her Majesty refuses to go anywhere without a 12-pack of these delectable treats in her purse!

God Save the Queen!

Fags

The Queen hasn't had an experience quite like this since her wedding night on November 20th, 1947.

During her last stay in Ireland, Her Majesty had a sultry encounter with a mechanical stud (exclusive footage below). It is rumoured that the Queen whipped out a pack of elegantly packed fags from her Royal purse and lit one up to finish off the unforgettable experience.

Trip numero uno to Ireland a complete success! Now back to Londontown!

White iPhone with EBay Mobile App

Day two of the Royal Visit to Ireland is complete, but this doesn't mean that Her Majesty is going to keep her eye off the pending Ebay auction for Princess Beatrice's Royal Wedding Hat.

Prior to her trip, QEII requested that a crisp white iPhone be preloaded and set to the EBay Mobile App page at all times so she can continously bid on the item. Her majesty doesn't care that the proceeds go to charity. She just wants to ensure no one ever sees it again after all the ruckus Sarah Ferguson it caused during the wedding. As with everything else in the Windsor family-- out of sight, out of mind.

Currently, the bid is at around £19,000 and the auction ends in three days. That's basically lunch money for her Majesty.

Four Leaf Clover

Phew! Her Majesty survived her first day in Ireland unscathed after all those bomb threats!

It's rumoured that The Queen refused to get off her jet for fear of walking on that minefield of a country until her staff fetched her a four leaf clover for good luck's sake!

After almost two hours of scouring the airports' fields, a young intern saved the day and presented QEII with the mystical Irish charm! Her Majesty then elegantly placed it in her purse, carried on and executed her Royal duties beautifully as ever.

Hotel Mini Bar Bottles

The Queen is about to embark on the first full-day of her inaugural visit to the Republic of Ireland. That certainly calls for a raid of the hotel mini bar!

If Her Majesty is to spend the next couple of days touring this submissive gorgeous country, she needs to have ready-access to a handful of mini-Jameson bottles. And maybe some mini-Baileys as chasers.

Onward and upward, your Royal Highness! You'll be back at Buckingham Palace in no time!

Autographed Lady Gaga Vinyl Records

What? You think the Queen doesn't like pop music?!

The second best day of Her Majesty's life was the day she met Lady Gaga (she considers the best day of her life to be the day Princess Diana was murdered of her coronation):

After the official meet-and-greet, Lady Gaga was gracious enough to present Her Royal Majesty with an autographed vinyl collection of her singles. The Queen's absolute fav is "Poker Face." As part of her morning routine, The Queen has her staff play it on the 1936 Gramophone in the Royal Chamber's dressing room so she can jump start her day.

To be able to carry such a cherished item, Her Majesty commissioned Hermès to create an series of extra large purses that fit perfectly to size.

Jewel-Encrusted Snuffbox

An ever-present item in Her Majesty's purse is a guilded antique snuffbox filled with vicodin mints to help her stay fresh.

Of course, these are no regular snuffboxes. These precious items are personally plucked from her grandmum's the Victoria & Albert Museum's extensive antique collection of snuffboxes.

The contents of these historic and convenient items are refreshed twice daily by The Queen's butlers. We would never want to take any expired mints, now would we?

Will & Kate's Prenupt

Just because Her Majesty is allowing commoner blood to flow through the Windsor veins doesn't mean she's going to let the Middletons get away with a single penny. Or a castle for that matter.

Yes, The Queen will graciously put up a front and pretend that she's ok with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's marriage for the sake of modernizing the Crown's image, but judging by Pippa's and James' recently leaked racy photos, there's certainly cause for concern.

Her Majesty certainly keeps a copy of the newest Royal prenupt tight in her purse. She even keeps it in close sight when taking the official family wedding photo!

Hold tight, your Majesty!

 

"Ugh. Is this really happening?"

 

TV Guide Magazine

Nap inducing luncheons with foreign heads of state, endless meet-and-greets with her subjects, and countless hours getting her immaculate hair and make up did for such events.

The Queen keeps this week's copy of TV Guide magazine handy so she can check when the next episode of the Geordie Shore is airing. She thinks Gary is a total babe.

Nunchucks

Although The Queen is flanked by countless guards and escorts, homegirl lived through WWII and does not trust anyone. Nunchucks are the perfect solution for that added sense of security.