"The Queen"

Unable to ever express her personal feelings in either public or private settings (due to Royal Protocol) Her Majesty was relieved when Helen Mirren portrayed her in "The Queen" back in 2006 and unofficially shared her side of the Princess Diana story (those were not crocodile tears).

QEII has deemed the film her unofficial fav and has oftentimes been seen carrying around a DVD copy in her purse.

Battery Operated Mini-Fan

Holy Victoria! Summer is upon us and her Majesty's hot flashes are taking on a life of their own. 

Every single one of QEII's summer purses come prepared with a battery operated hand fan to help alleviate the humid London season... Carry on! 

Princess Beatrice's Hat (in shards)

Her Royal Highness was pleased when earlier this week she of course won the Ebay bid for her press whore of a granddaughter's annoying hat.

Today, QEII received the much-publicized item and requested that her staff immediately pass this Philip Treacy creation through a paper shredder. Her Majesty then promptly stuffed all the fabric shards into one of her purses to finally bury this issue.

RIP, Philip Treacy hat. The gays will miss you.

Koh-I-Noor Diamond

Her Royal Majesty has carried around the Koh-I-Noor diamond around in her purse since she took on the reign. This baseball sized blood diamond is the largest in the world was stolen from South Asian rulers by the British East India Company, who then presented it to gradmum Queen Victoria.

Commoners think this beast of a stone is "on display" at the Tower of London when in fact, QEII has had it in her purse all these years (the one in the case is actually a big Swarovski crystal).

Suckers.

2009 Pre-Loaded iPod from Washington D.C.

Unless you live under a rock (or in Kentucky), you already know the Obamas are visiting Her Majesty at Buckingham Palace this week for the second time during their brief reign presidency.

Unlike the much criticized personalized iPod HRH Michelle presented to The Queen during the first official visit in 2009, this time around The First Lady provided her an elegant, leather-bound book of photographs of QEII's parents' 1939 visit to the colonies U.S.A.

Her Majesty found this to be a load of crap.

She has had that 2009 pre-loaded iPod in her purse for the last two years and has yet to figure out how to change that god-damned catchy broadway tunes playlist on her MacBook Air (if she has to listen to songs from "West Side Story" one more time, she swears she's going to snap).

Right after the official photo opp held earlier this evening, The Queen cornered Michelle in a Royal powder room and warned that her stay in the UK was no longer welcome unless a new, pre-loaded iPod with Common's spoken word was placed in her purse by 6am GMT. She so enjoyed this YouTube video of him at the White House last week.

Believe me, Julianna Smoot  is not sleeping tonight.

12 Pack of HobNobs

Holy Lord! Judgement Day is upon us!

The Queen has been preparing for the apocalypse for the last year stocking up Buckingham Palace's basement with endless boxes of HobNobs (this is what QEII survived on during her days hiding in the Tube Windsor Castle during WWII).

Tomorrow, Her Majesty refuses to go anywhere without a 12-pack of these delectable treats in her purse!

God Save the Queen!

Fags

The Queen hasn't had an experience quite like this since her wedding night on November 20th, 1947.

During her last stay in Ireland, Her Majesty had a sultry encounter with a mechanical stud (exclusive footage below). It is rumoured that the Queen whipped out a pack of elegantly packed fags from her Royal purse and lit one up to finish off the unforgettable experience.

Trip numero uno to Ireland a complete success! Now back to Londontown!

White iPhone with EBay Mobile App

Day two of the Royal Visit to Ireland is complete, but this doesn't mean that Her Majesty is going to keep her eye off the pending Ebay auction for Princess Beatrice's Royal Wedding Hat.

Prior to her trip, QEII requested that a crisp white iPhone be preloaded and set to the EBay Mobile App page at all times so she can continously bid on the item. Her majesty doesn't care that the proceeds go to charity. She just wants to ensure no one ever sees it again after all the ruckus Sarah Ferguson it caused during the wedding. As with everything else in the Windsor family-- out of sight, out of mind.

Currently, the bid is at around £19,000 and the auction ends in three days. That's basically lunch money for her Majesty.

Four Leaf Clover

Phew! Her Majesty survived her first day in Ireland unscathed after all those bomb threats!

It's rumoured that The Queen refused to get off her jet for fear of walking on that minefield of a country until her staff fetched her a four leaf clover for good luck's sake!

After almost two hours of scouring the airports' fields, a young intern saved the day and presented QEII with the mystical Irish charm! Her Majesty then elegantly placed it in her purse, carried on and executed her Royal duties beautifully as ever.

Hotel Mini Bar Bottles

The Queen is about to embark on the first full-day of her inaugural visit to the Republic of Ireland. That certainly calls for a raid of the hotel mini bar!

If Her Majesty is to spend the next couple of days touring this submissive gorgeous country, she needs to have ready-access to a handful of mini-Jameson bottles. And maybe some mini-Baileys as chasers.

Onward and upward, your Royal Highness! You'll be back at Buckingham Palace in no time!

Autographed Lady Gaga Vinyl Records

What? You think the Queen doesn't like pop music?!

The second best day of Her Majesty's life was the day she met Lady Gaga (she considers the best day of her life to be the day Princess Diana was murdered of her coronation):

After the official meet-and-greet, Lady Gaga was gracious enough to present Her Royal Majesty with an autographed vinyl collection of her singles. The Queen's absolute fav is "Poker Face." As part of her morning routine, The Queen has her staff play it on the 1936 Gramophone in the Royal Chamber's dressing room so she can jump start her day.

To be able to carry such a cherished item, Her Majesty commissioned Hermès to create an series of extra large purses that fit perfectly to size.

Jewel-Encrusted Snuffbox

An ever-present item in Her Majesty's purse is a guilded antique snuffbox filled with vicodin mints to help her stay fresh.

Of course, these are no regular snuffboxes. These precious items are personally plucked from her grandmum's the Victoria & Albert Museum's extensive antique collection of snuffboxes.

The contents of these historic and convenient items are refreshed twice daily by The Queen's butlers. We would never want to take any expired mints, now would we?

Will & Kate's Prenupt

Just because Her Majesty is allowing commoner blood to flow through the Windsor veins doesn't mean she's going to let the Middletons get away with a single penny. Or a castle for that matter.

Yes, The Queen will graciously put up a front and pretend that she's ok with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's marriage for the sake of modernizing the Crown's image, but judging by Pippa's and James' recently leaked racy photos, there's certainly cause for concern.

Her Majesty certainly keeps a copy of the newest Royal prenupt tight in her purse. She even keeps it in close sight when taking the official family wedding photo!

Hold tight, your Majesty!

 

"Ugh. Is this really happening?"

 

TV Guide Magazine

Nap inducing luncheons with foreign heads of state, endless meet-and-greets with her subjects, and countless hours getting her immaculate hair and make up did for such events.

The Queen keeps this week's copy of TV Guide magazine handy so she can check when the next episode of the Geordie Shore is airing. She thinks Gary is a total babe.

Nunchucks

Although The Queen is flanked by countless guards and escorts, homegirl lived through WWII and does not trust anyone. Nunchucks are the perfect solution for that added sense of security.